Queen : New thriller in progress – Deepening Point of View, part 1

One Night in the Hill Country med v3Queen

New thriller in progress – deepening point of view, part 1.

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One Night in the Hill Country

Thriller novella, set in Texas.

Immigrant and illegal children caught in a mad man’s plan to stop child abuse. Featuring former police officer Samantha (Sam) Lacroix.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MXGMN68

Reviews: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MXGMN68#customerReviews

Sample: Author Diana Ferby – “What fascinated me was the style of writing. The author has removed all unnecessary words and writes in deceptively short, simple sentences, making it a very tight and intense read. Although not directly comparable, the style reminded me of Virginia Woolf, especially her later novels. Although short, using this method of writing I felt the story was as developed as in a full length novel.
I should make it clear, the author has not removed descriptions. Some of the book is very visual and poetic, but all with minimal words.”

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Queen

New thriller in progress – deepening point of view, part 1

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August 27, 2015

Related Categories : Fiction – Thrillers

Related posts:

Queen : New thriller in progress – deepening point of view, part 2

Jump-Cuts : A Style for Short Chapters and Point of View and Setting Shifts

Queen : New thriller in progress – Transitioning multiple point of views and settings

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Below is the first of a series of posting leading to the eventual publication of my second thriller, Queen.

Set in Vermont, my wife’s home state, and which we get to visit and lived in for about a year and a half, the characters from my first thriller, One Night in the Hill Country, get into another dangerous exciting situation.

Taking a cue from an author I admire, both for her fiction work and her marketing, Author Morgan Kelley, I’ve put up a few snippets on Facebook and will do a new post showing those soon.

Here, I’m posting a sample from the revision process I’m currently going through (the bulk of the new novel now written).

Essentially I am applying some point of view deepening techniques it turns out I was already using, but not consciously, and not consistently.

I’ll probably have several of these over time.

I consider it fun.

Making my work more enjoyable, more immediate, and easier to relate to.

Below is my “before” then my “after.”

Please let me know what you think, and any suggestions.

Thanks so much!

 

Adan

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Please Note: all work is © 2015 Felipe Adan Lerma and will be submitted for registration with the Library of Congress.

Before

Notes:

The idea is to remove reader-character barriers where appropriate, ie, “she wondered” – “she felt” –  “Felt him” – “Felt the” – with a more immediate reader experience.

A prerequisite is that the point of view character be firmly established, ie, no reader confusion whose thought or feelings or observations are being related.

© 2015 Felipe Adan Lerma, pre-revision excerpt from the thriller “Queen.”

But all Raven had heard was – if we don’t find the right tourists, we won’t have any business.

Did he really mean that, she wondered. We. Us. Are we personal business?

Raven half entered Stilo’s small sports car.

He waited, eyes impatient.

One long leg in his tiny car, one leg cocked out in the wind, she felt like a lonely wish bone.

Felt him waiting silently for her to get in.

Felt the cool evening air sliding between her legs.

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After

© 2015 Felipe Adan Lerma, in progress-revision excerpt from the thriller “Queen.”

But all Raven had heard was – if we don’t find the right tourists, we won’t have any business.

Did he really mean that? We. Us. Are we personal business?

Stilo waited, eyes impatient.

Raven half entered Stilo’s small sports car.

One long leg in his tiny car, one leg cocked out in the wind, a lonely wish bone.

He stood, waiting silently behind the door for her to get in.

Cool evening air slid between her legs.

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Related posts:

Queen : New thriller in progress – deepening point of view, part 2

Jump-Cuts : A Style for Short Chapters and Point of View and Setting Shifts

Queen : New thriller in progress – Transitioning multiple point of views and settings

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4 responses to “Queen : New thriller in progress – Deepening Point of View, part 1”

  1. Queen : New thriller in progress – deepening point of view, part 2 | Felipe Adan Lerma Avatar
    Queen : New thriller in progress – deepening point of view, part 2 | Felipe Adan Lerma

    […] Queen : New thriller in progress – deepening point of view, part 1 […]

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  2. Felipe Adan Lerma Avatar
    Felipe Adan Lerma

    I am “so” glad you wrote what you wrote, Andy. That repetitive “felts” string was a real favorite of mine. Gonna rethink it. I do think there’s a tighter tension in the 3-felt revision version, but maybe a little head knocking’ll give me a way to keep the stylistic version with the impact version.

    I’m going to do more of these examples in the future. Next I’m posting examples of “thought” as in (making this up) : She was worried, I thought, about the weather.

    And, show several examples where the “thought” word, or tag, two different things, were, in my opinion, still preferable.

    But it is kinda shocking, going through a word search for “thought” and finding as many as I am. Much much more than the “I felt” variations.

    It’s fun stuff though. Tires me out, cause there’s so much of it, but kinda like the tiring out of going to several good fitness workouts and needing a recovery break 🙂

    Thanks so much, Andy!

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  3. Andrew Updegrove Avatar
    Andrew Updegrove

    Adan,

    I think that you’ve tee’d the styles up nicely, and also, I think, provided a very good example of why no rule should be applied at the expense of the final product. By that I mean to say that removing the first two tags was a very good idea – I had to go back and read the first one again to notice the difference, because they had been so expendable.

    On the other hand, I thought the use of the word “felt” three times in the original version was a very nice touch. Rather than being mere tags, it progressively and very effectively heightened the tension. So in this case, it wasn’t being used as a pure tag (and indeed, if it had been, it would conventionally have read “She felt),” but rather as a very nice and effective stylistic device.

    This would make a very nice textbook example, to my way of thinking, of an example where the right answer is to take the best of both versions and combine them.

    Well done!

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    1. Felipe Adan Lerma Avatar
      Felipe Adan Lerma

      Okay, Andy, slept on it. Yeah, I much prefer the latter version of my original. This is what I’ve changed it to:

      © 2015 Felipe Adan Lerma, excerpt from “Queen.”

      But all Raven had heard was – if we don’t find the right tourists, we won’t have any business.

      Did he really mean that? We. Us. Are we personal business?

      Stilo waited, eyes impatient.

      Raven half entered Stilo’s small sports car.

      One long leg in his tiny car, one leg cocked out in the wind, she felt like a lonely wish bone.

      Felt him waiting silently for her to get in.

      Felt the cool evening air sliding between her legs.

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      Actually supporting the break in the rules, in the first “felt” like (the other two, as you mentioned aren’t even “she felt’s” – is one of the first two deep pov books I’d read, if I find the reference I’ll post it, which broke down the levels of point of view from shallow to very deep, with differing levels of “involvement” for the reader depending on the point in the story.

      AND, that “too much” deep pov wore the reader out.

      So, I get to have my cake (rules to back up my rebellious writing-rules moment) and eat it (put the phrases that felt best for me back in).

      Thanks Andy! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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